“Jesus himself felt forgotten by God whilst dying on the cross. The night before he died he despaired, and God didn’t save him. This idea that suffering is not something we bear, it is not temptation where we can choose what we do but is just what happens, seems to line up so much more clearly with my God.
My God doesn’t make my life ‘easier’, he doesn’t seem to want to take away the constant daily battering my brain seems to think I deserve. My God is the one who dives off the cliff to offer me his breath to breathe in the violence of the waves. He is the one who gives me the strength to swim just a little longer, the one who gives me the hope of land.
My God is not the God of the happy pill. He is the God who came to earth and bled, who felt what I have felt but so so much more. Who had relationship with God but allowed himself to be abandoned so that I never would be.”
Just like Katherine, I feel that many testimonies toady have to have a ‘happy ending’ yet mine doesn’t. The realisation that my God is not a happy pill allows me to realise that not having a holy, happy life does not make me a failure.
If you can sympathise with anything in this article or Katherine’s, please know help is available. Katherine mentions one group that she has found helpful. I found selfharm.co.uk great for help and information. But please do find help.